The first.

The first birthday, the first christmas; without mum.

I don’t know what I expected, not really. Christmas wasn’t too bad, still weird but I’m still trying to process the feelings from my birthday.
I knew this was the first year I wouldn’t be recieving a call from her but even so I found myself later in the day wondering where her call was, and then realising it would never be coming.
What frustrates me is I knew it wouldn’t be coming but I still found myself slipping into the habit, I guess when you’ve had 22 years of someone always talking to you on your birthday its always heartbreaking the first time they don’t.

I feel like I didn’t let myself enjoy my birthday as much as I could because I didn’t want to ruin my own night, and lets be real I probably would have. But I also spent the night wanting to have everyone’s attention, as if it would fill some empty feeling I had inside from knowing this was just the first of many birthdays I would not be getting her call..
I had never even realised how accustomed I had become to her calling every year, I suppose it was one of the only things she was consistent at in my life and I guess I had loved that.

All of that I understand though, I can see why it hurts and whatnot but I just don’t know how to approach the feeling it’s leaving me with, it’s not so much sadness but almost just weird.. Is it weird because maybe it is upsetting but I had already accepted that this would be the first of many more to come? Is that even a thing, accepted sadness?
Am I maybe just feeling a little lost in the world right now?
I can’t seem to help myself from thinking about it and that acceptable sadness inside of me, before i even think about it I’m doing it, I just seem to tune in mid thought, too late to stop that feeling arising.

I don’t know what I wan’t, I don’t know what I’m doing, all I know is that I’ll keep making it work. This feeling drags me down, it makes me feel lost and sad and empty and all I want is find something to fill that void, even though, haven’t I learned that filling the void is the wrong thing to do ?


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