Tonight, upon reading the chapter of healing the mental level (I have dedicated a level to each day) I have just finished completing an exercise they give you to do.
This one, well it has really opened my eyes to the things that influence our mindset and way of life.
Do you ever look back on the things you believed as a child and compared them to what you believe now?
Had I not have spent the last year on this self journey, I don’t think I would have ever really realised the extent of just how fucked up my mind set used to be.
By all means, anyone can look at their childhood beliefs and be shocked in the changes to how we see life – if you didn’t you wouldn’t be human. As a race forever evolving change is inevitable. But say I hadn’t spent the last year trying to only focus on the positive and trying to love myself the way I am, would I not even see these differences, would the way I see the world still be the same as the beliefs of someone 10 years ago, 3 years ago even?
Its hard for me to think what my life would be like had I not decided to go on this journey – if some huge inner part of me hadn’t been drawn to connecting with that inner spiritual side that is so prominent in my life now as it was once in my mothers.
To be really honest, I think half of the reason I find it so hard to imagine how my life would have been because frankly I don’t think I would be alive to see it. I was in such a mind state of self hate that I was on a serious path of self destruct.
I used to use anything I could to find a feeling of happiness – pills all the time, acid, drinking, sex, anything – you name it I probably dwelled in it looking to feel something but yet somehow something inside of me decided to not go down that path and that this path would be worth it. Does this definitively put me on an opposite life path to how my mother ended up? There is hope.
Doing this exercise you compare the way/rules you were brought up to live by to that of which you live by/believe now in four levels: spiritual, social/relationships, work/school and body: appearance, food, health, sports/play, sexuality.
The only thing I had any of my childhood rules/ways of life I had similar to now were that of work and school.
Please tell me, how many of you still feel the way you did even 4 years ago?
As I look back on some of mine to where I am now, I feel disgusted that a child or someone ever had to feel the way I did. That’s not me being selfish or egotistical, its just me recognising that the thoughts/beliefs I used to follow, obsess over, were not healthy.
For an example of one in each level:
Then: no belief in anything and was never encouraged to explore it.
Now: trust in the universe to have a sense of reason within the things it throws your way, everything is set within a motion.
Then: Family is important.
Now: although this is something I struggle with as for so long I let the need for my parents approval dictate my life I have now realised that by doing that, I was living my life by things I didn’t necessarily love or even enjoy but thought it would call for my parents approval/love. Now I see that I, as their daughter should be loved unconditionally and that if that is how it is, I deserve to live my life the way I wish and make choices for myself and if they can’t love me like that then maybe the sacrifice is worth the happiness. No matter who brings the negativity (family or not) room should never be made for that kind of influence.
Fortunately I can say that for work and school there was only one i no longer agreed with and that was..
Then: If you don’t do well you are short selling yourself in a career and hopes of achieving a good job.
Now: It is okay not to have a plan.
What I have realised is there is always time to learn, grow and study. Now may be the perfect time for some to study but now may also be the perfect time to experience life (like myself) to travel, explore, love and live. There is nothing that stops us studying as adults, there is no reason that we should have to have all of our study done by the age of 25. You are never too old to learn or grow or change your career/life path.
Body: appearence, food, health, sports/play, secuality –
Then: If you feel lost or depressed it is seen as attention seeking, if you talk about it and therapy must be the answer.
Now: You do not have to fit into everyone’s standards and expectations: everyone will have their own life views on how people should be.
Everyone is going to make their own opinion and they are entitled to it but just as your opinion, it doesn’t make it right, but it makes it meaningful to the holder.
I spent two years of my life building myself on the opinion of the person I was with.
For years I spent it starving myself, throwing up every meal in attempts to be the perfect ideal girl so my partner of the time would pick me over the other girls he spoke to while we were together. At the time I was so aware of how wrong it was to make myself into this image but the idea of him loving me after growing up thinking I was never good enough or would do anything to no longer have my dad look at me with disapproval or hate for the way I looked like my mother overwon. I destroyed every entity of my being trying to keep a toxic, destructive form in my life for the lust of approval.
Now though I realise you can’t dictate your life based on other people’s approval. People will always have their thoughts and own opinion and sometimes that’s so different to who you are but it doesn’t matter, what kind of life do you lead if you’re living in someone’s reflection?
You will never find a sense of self approval if you’re living by someone else’s idea of life?
I think that realising this was the biggest moment of my so far self journey, if I can’t release the idea’s others hold how do i expect to find my own? The body level has always been my hardest? Why wouldn’t I be judged for being a size 10, why wouldn’t I be judged in comparison to those girls who are 6’s and 8’s?
The way of moving away from those expectations is to no longer fit into someone else’s standards.
I don’t think that my struggle with that was influence in self destruction, to be fair I think the only wake up call I had was when I became pregnant and scared for the thoughts/life of that child – I didn’t want to look at it and have too see the pure innocence 0f the world lost by saying that their father just simply didn’t love them enough to step up.
All these experiences have sh0wn me that the only person to gain from this part of my life were others and not myself was enough to realise maybe what I was doing wasn’t enough for my world, and here two years later I’m here writing about something I never thought I would voice.
From what I’ve learnt; self destruction is a path others set us 0n.
Maybe that person a year ago made you feel toxic and unworthy but a year later here you are reveling in the idea that you’re so different, in an idea you see following the last exercise.
You are you’re own being and there is nothing to lose from that, you are allowed to be free of your inner demons, it’s okay to believe you are worth something – for you are.
Just for a moment think of the people you have positively influenced, do you think they would be in the same position in life they are now? Did your being influence them?
All I see from today’s exercise is the positive, as much as yes, the previous negatives you listed come into play are you far enough in this journey to realise you no longer play a part in anyone’s life ? That no one else but your own self worth is worth it, because it is?
If we didn’t have self worth, what would we be?
Would you be a shell of someone else, forming yourself to fit into their idea?
I think the idea of this exercise was to reflect and love.
I reflect on wh0 I used to be and I love how that has made me who I am. To look at my past conceptions and see nothing but improvement who could want more? Do you want nothing other than to follow others footsteps or to create a path on your own as I have?